Since you died, the pain has been relentless
So I go to the beach
Where the sound of the crashing waves is loud enough to drown out my screams
Where my tears can mingle with the salty ocean water
Where I try to catch my breath, over and over and over again
As I walk, the empty shells remind me that your spirit left your body behind like a crab abandoning his shell
The waves gently lapping at my ankles are comforting, and I wonder if that’s you
The gentle breeze sounds like your whisper, and I strain to hear the message
The sun sparkling off the ocean catches my eye and reminds me of your light
I’m desperate to feel your presence
So I go to the beach
I’m hoping for a sign from you
I haven’t seen a manatee in a year, but today a huge one swims so close to me that I pet him, and I gasp, knowing you are with me
He swims under me and through my legs as he leaves me, and I’m certain this is a sign from you
I shed some tears, but also smile
Now I know where to find you now
So I go to the beach
Your energy was released into the universe, and now every living creature feels like you are swarming around me, trying to get my attention
I walk through the reefs near our house, stunned by thousands of small fish swarming around me, trying to avoid the pelicans and seagulls who are diving for food
I follow an octopus with my phone camera, watching in amazement as he morphs from rocks to sand to seaweed colors before he tucks under the reef for safety
Along the shore, I keep spotting two unusual birds, who circle in front of me and then behind me, like you and your dad are playing
Every day you show me something new
A green heron working to guzzle a small fish he’s pulled from a puddle
Two sea worms, that I help safely return to the ocean
A Puerto Rican woodpecker tapping out a message in the woods
Crabs and sand pipers and lizards and birds all feel like you are trying to reach me
I pass a large bull conch shell on the shore, and seeing that he is still alive I nestle him back in the reef, aching that I wasn’t able to save you as well
That night, when I break and can’t stop sobbing, I catch a glimpse of a firefly in the yard
He leads me to the farm behind the house where the entire field is glowing with fireflies, something
I haven’t seen since childhood
Finally, I am beginning to understand, you are with me, here, there, or anywhere; today, tomorrow, and forever
Because love never dies
